How Luz’s World is me Coming Home to Myself
I did all the things you’re supposed to do.
I did well in school, did the internships, and graduated from college a semester early, Magna Cum Laude with Departmental Honors. Then I got a corporate marketing job 4 months out of school, and was making more money than I’d ever seen in my life before. But the truth was, I’d never been more unhappy in my life. Was this all there was to life? It couldn’t be.
Lately I’ve been wondering why exactly I made the Luz’s World page and what my intentions have been for it. And the truth is that it’s multifaceted. But at its core, it’s me coming home to myself. It’s my inner child healing; it’s me rediscovering parts of myself I had previously neglected or allowed others to take from me.
My interest in fashion began young, and even looking back at my earliest photos, it became clear that clothes were the way I felt most comfortable expressing myself. I even had a pink princess canopy bed with Barbie sheets, solidifying my affinity for the pink, hyperfeminine side of life. It was what I was drawn to before I had societal influences on me, telling me what I should like.
My first blog was created in 2012, and it was an Avril Lavinge themed fashion blog, breaking down her styling choices and informing my (zero) readers how they could “steal her look.” There was no reason I wrote this blog other than it being fun for me. It was the time right before life became all about getting good grades, getting into a “good on paper” college, having the right extracurriculars, and wearing the latest trends.
I grew up in Westchester, NY, a place known for its wealth and status. Conformity was the way to survive. (It’s the place the show Suburgatory was based on, in case you want some context on what it was like). Being a Latina from a non-wealthy background already put strikes against me, so I had to conform extra hard to make up for it.
But I realized that even when I tried to conform, at home, at school, and at church, it was never enough. By senior year of high school, I didn’t even recognize myself. My curls were flattened straight every day, and I wore sweats to school. When I had experimented with different clothing and hair colors, I was publicly ridiculed for it and in no uncertain terms “talked shit about.”
Eventually, it became so unsafe for my nervous system that I allowed external voices to rid me of my individualism, and I was a shell of the younger version of myself who wore whatever the fuck she wanted. She did not constantly fear that she was being judged or talked about. She wore what she wanted and owned it; in fact, she stunted.
As an adult, I now understand that those judgements were never about me; they were projections from people who feared expressing themselves authentically. And in that environment, who could really blame them? But as a kid, I internalized those judgments as if there was something inherently wrong with who I was. It’s kinda funny now because I remember distinct moments where I was made fun of for making a non-traditional fashion choice, and then weeks later those same girls would wear outfits suspiciously similar.
When I was about 15, I used to post little makeup tutorials (that were very busted if we’re keeping it 100) and fashion “look books.” I look back at them, and I see a girl who didn’t fear being seen the way I do now. She just posted it and wanted people to see it.
Luz’s World is something I hope allows me to tap back into that part of myself. The innocent self, the one who didn’t feel so unsafe putting herself out there.
Starting Luz’s World has forced me to look back and see all the ways that life has beaten the individuality and creativity out of me. I used to write notebooks full of random stories, and now I fear sharing my real thoughts in any public forum for fear of judgment or ridicule.
I think working in corporate was probably the last straw for me. On paper, I seemed successful, but inside I was emotionally bankrupt and miserable. This is what I’ve been working so hard for all my life? Fuck this.
Around this time, many things in my life began to collapse around me, and I was forced to reevaluate the way I was going to live my life going forward.
I began doing a lot of work around healing my inner child and trying to go back to the mindset I had before I was drowning under the expectations put on me for the way I was “supposed” to live my life.
I began to bedazzle things simply because it made me happy and it was a way for me to express my creative side. I began selling clothes because being around clothes and bringing preloved pieces to a new person, a new cycle of life, made me happy.
Luz’s World is a medium I hope to use to reclaim these lost parts of myself. My creativity, my unapologetic self-expression through writing and clothes, my voice, my visibility. I hope to do this by sharing my work more to help me overcome my perfectionism, and by sharing my voice and thoughts more to help me overcome my people-pleasing tendencies. Ultimately, it’s a platform for my inner child to play and to invite others to do the same.
